Sometimes I wish my boyfriend didn`t read my Tumblr .
I mean, I`m thankful that he cares enough to read about what`s going on with me when I don`t feel like talking to him , but I feel like I have to hold back .
I can`t write about what I want or who I want, post pictures I want without feeling like I`ve done something wrong to him or without getting questioned to the 37387394348934th degree . Idk . . maybe that`s just something I`ll be inconsiderate about .
This is mine . My spot to spill my guts to complete strangers . My spot for my inner most thoughts . Mine Mine Mine . I can`t do that when I feel like someone I love is over my shoulder . I`d never want to hurt him, but there are times when I just want to write what I`ve been going through without having to wonder about what he saw or things of that nature .
I feel like . . I can`t be me in this relationship .
I`m learning a lot about myself & don`t get me wrong, I`m not unhappy .
It`s just , when I came here a year ago I wanted to get out there and be friends with the world . But now that I`m in a relationship, I feel like I can`t do that .
Just the whole … I don`t want to be friends with only girls . Not that I hate them or anything , I prefer them to be quite honest, but I want a wide variety of friends which includes males too . But Idk , I feel like I can`t be my 19 year old, Gemini, social butterfly self because of this . I want to respect my boyfriend & relationship, but I can`t seem to figure out how to go about having male friends . Like being able to chill , but simply platonic . It`s just the whole , ” Let`s text or chill ” thing, I can`t figure out how to keep that for exactly what it is . Not a date or anything, just hanging out , I can`t seem to grasp how to quite deal with giving numbers or making plans . . things like that . But the guys that I`m friends with now, all know I have a boyfriend & they`ve been respectful about it & I want to be able to chill with them , but I feel like I can`t & it`s frustrating .
It just irritates me because my boyfriend took it as me being ” trapped ” & that wasn`t what it was at all . I`m just having issues with finding this balance . He doesn`t know how I feel . All of his friends , including female friends are all here and he`s known them for awhile . I don`t have that luxury so I want to make more friends now, especially because my friend just moved . Plus when he says that he`d be watching me a little closer to make sure everything is on a respectful tip, I take offense to that . He doesn`t trust that I can maintain a platonic friendship with the opposite sex ? Idk , maybe I`m wrong . .
Maybe I`m just not good at this girlfriend thing . . Idk .
I swear, No one really likes me for my personality. These dudes just cannot seem to get past the way I look. They really can’t. I’m not even drop dead gorgeous. I’m average as hell. But, they’re all just being shallow little fucks. Flattering me all the time about my body, my face, my hair, my style. Like, dude, There’s so much more to me than what’s on the outside. And, it fucking shines through. Why is it so hard for you to get passed my outer shell. Fuck, man.
what i feel, what i feel now
but it’s real, what is real now
am i still, am i here now? if i’m still
what i feel now, what is real now
i feel now, what is real now
i feel now, what is real now
i can’t afford more problems, i don’t have time to solve ‘em
fakin’ these smiles too often
why don’t i cry that often, i need to cry more often
am i living, or am i dying or grinding, something worth fighting for
i’m the only real i see, i’m the only real i see
good intentions, good intentions
young old soul, these my hooded mentions
search of heaven’s admissions, in these streets we live in
the young raising the young and we hunger for it’s solisive?* but i
come in peace with peace and hair grease
wave like catlina, probems you can’t see
a soul full of problems, eyes filled with glee
if you don’t like being judged then you shouldn’t judge me
i never change
wake me up if i’m dreaming now
get me out of this hazy cloud
feeling like i’m free-falling down
but i’m never gon’ hit the ground
gone through way too many ups and downs
breaking free from these chains right now
won’t let nothing else hold me down
letting go of it all, of it all, of it all
Whenever something happens to me, I keep thinking about . Over & over & over .
I hurt my own feelings by thinking about it over & over . Idk I can`t let words that hurt me escape my mind . Why do I punish myself ? Am I the things they say I am ? I don`t believe so .
It just rubs me the wrong way that someone would go out of their way to make it seem like I`m such a horrible person, when in fact … I don`t think I am . Their words mean nothing, but hurt something serious .
I convince myself that I`m not what they say I am, but just the fact that someone thinks that low of me hits me hard . Shit happens ? I guess so . But I`ll never know, nor do I think I can handle knowing anything else .
But I feel like that`s the bait for them . Knowing I can`t handle what they`re dishing out to me, so they dish it harder . I just want to yell , ” WHY ME ? “, but I don`t even think they could answer . Maybe because I`m weak ? Maybe that`s what it is . Idk what their goal is, but I wish they`d cease & forget about me .
a lot of people suck at it . When people come to you, I`m sure they want someone to listen to them , because obviously no one is doing that hence why they`re using you as an outlet .
Some people take that as a debate or something . Yes , I`m asking for your opinion . But that does not mean you have to fight me on how I`m feeling . It`s not the fact that I can`t handle what you`re saying, but some people just can`t seem to differentiate between the two . You know, being constructive versus acting like they`re in a spitfire debate .
`Tis why I ask no one for help . I`ll help myself . That`s the best way for me to do it .
Am I supposed to be this excellent person ? Possibly more successful than I could have ever imagined ?
I always wonder this . I wish I could skip ahead to the future and see what it holds for me so I know what I`m getting myself into . I always need to know, I`m weird like that . Even when new episodes of tv shows air, I always have to read what the episode is going to be about , just so I know .
Anyways , I feel like I was put on this earth to be everyone`s punching bag . The person people take out all their aggression on , the person that gets dealt everyone`s massive amount of bullshit , that is my purpose it feels . To get used and tossed to the side & talked about like I`m nothing . That is my purpose .
I feel like my question was already answered, no need for me to wonder anymore .
“Oh my heart,
Don’t become discouraged so easily.
In the hidden world, there are many mysteries,
Even if the whole planet threatens your life,
don’t let go of the Beloved’s robe
for even a breath.”—Rumi (via maliha-)
“i try to visualize
how to get it right
but my visions so blurry
tryna slow it down
stay close to the ground
but were always in a hurry
and if i could
make this world
spin a little slower
then i would
then we could
grow a little closer
i think were getting closer”—jhene aiko (via xoxonoreenn)
“But what do I care for? What are you here for? If you’re not there when I call. I was not careful, and it’s all your fault, you let me fall.
This ain’t how it’s sposed to be, you and me supposed to be
‘Member when it be, just you and me in your crib smoking trees
How you took control of me, you had a hold of me
Had me so gone, baby yeah you had me givin’ all of me
And now it’s all over, it’s all done, shoulda never told ya, you the one
I’ll be alright, I will be just fine, I’ll be okay once you get out my mind”—Jhene Aiko (via rtiste)